As a therapist, I’ve sat across from many women who begin their story the same way:
“It felt different this time.”
“I’ve never felt this connected so quickly.”
“I can’t stop thinking about him.”
Their eyes light up at first. The excitement, energy, and feeling of hope. But as the story unfolds, that same energy often shifts into confusion, anxiety, and emotional exhaustion. What they’re describing isn’t always love, but in many cases, limerence. Many might have gone through this feeling when in a relationship, but did not know it had a label or a true definition.
What is Limerence?
Imagine waking up, and the first thing you think about is one person. You check your phone before your feet hit the ground, hoping their name lights up your screen. A simple message from them can shift your entire mood. If they respond quickly, you feel calm—even euphoric. If they don’t, your mind starts searching for answers.
“Did I say something wrong?”
“Are they losing interest?”
“Did I imagine all of this?”
I’ve had clients describe it as an emotional rollercoaster they didn’t sign up for—but can’t seem to get off. Limerence can feel like an intense emotional attachment where you love spending every moment with that other person, constantly thinking about the other individual, not in a healthy way, but where it takes up your every waking moment. You have a deep need for reciprocation before anxiety starts setting in when the connection feels uncertain to you. I will hear the words from my patients, “Our connection these past few days feels powerful and almost undeniable.” But here is the truth: Intensity is not the same as intimacy.
The Roller Coaster Stages of Limerence:
It’s important to understand the different stages of limerence so you can learn and develop a mature and healthy relationship. Often this means slowing things down and looking at the pattern—not just the feeling. Limerence tends to move through predictable stages, even though it feels spontaneous in the moment.
The first stage: Infatuation. You meet someone through a friend or online. After a few great conversations, you feel a deep connection. There’s chemistry, laughter, maybe even shared values. It feels easy—almost too easy. One of my clients once told me, “It felt like I had known him forever… after just one week.” You find yourself smiling at your phone, rereading messages and already picturing a future—even though you’re still in the early stages. In this stage, your mind fills in the gaps with possibility. You’re not just seeing who they are but imagining who they could be in your life. It’s like the first day of spring- fresh, exciting, and in full bloom with such promise.
Onto the second stage, “They are everything I have been looking for my entire life.” But during this crystallization stage, they start canceling plans or becoming inconsistent with setting up dates compared to in the first stage. Instead of taking a step back, you lean in more. You justify their behavior and hold onto the version of them you felt in the beginning. Your emotional state may begin to depend on their presence, wanting their attention, their validation as a couple.
Now, we are at the stage where you are asking, “Why does this NOT feel the same anymore?’
This is the part many women struggle to understand. The connection hasn’t necessarily ended—but it doesn’t feel the same. They pull back emotionally or communicate less. You find yourself checking your phone often, rereading old messages, trying to figure out where things changed. You feel emotionally drained—but still attached. The certainty fades. The emotional highs become unpredictable. And in its place, anxiety begins to grow. You may start questioning yourself.
“Why am I overthinking this?”
“Why do I feel so insecure?”
“Why do I still want this, even when it hurts?”
And this is where a powerful truth often reveals itself:
Recently, I shared a quote on our social media platforms that resonated with me that day. It said, “If people fall in love with your flowers and not your roots, they don’t know what to do when autumn comes.” There is no author, but rather it is a modern proverb attributed by various single authors highlighting the importance of falling in love with one’s true character or roots rather than one’s appearance or their flowers.
Limerence thrives in the flowers—the excitement, the chemistry, the emotional high. But when the seasons change, that is when life becomes more real, more complex. You analyze that there are no roots to sustain a healthy relationship. But now what?
Limerence is not a flaw in you—it’s often a reflection of something deeper.
Understanding the “Why” Behind Limerence
I remember sitting across from a client—let’s call her Sarah. She looked at me and said, almost in a whisper, “I don’t understand why I feel this way… it’s like I know something is off, but I can’t stop.” There was frustration in her voice—but underneath it, something deeper. Shame.
And this is where I gently paused her. Because one of the most important parts I share with my clients in session is don’t start with judgment—we start with understanding.
I explained to her that what she was experiencing wasn’t weakness. It wasn’t desperation.
And it certainly wasn’t something to feel ashamed of. It was a pattern. And patterns always have a story. As we began to explore her experience, something started to unfold. Her connection—the one that felt so intense—wasn’t just about the person in front of her. It was connected to pieces of her story she hadn’t fully seen yet. Like many others navigating limerence, she carried:
- Emotional needs that hadn’t always been met
- Past relationship wounds that hadn’t fully healed
- A quiet but persistent fear of abandonment
- An attachment style shaped by inconsistency
- A deep desire to feel chosen, seen, and valued
And slowly, she began to realize something powerful. An intensity she felt wasn’t just about him. It was about what her heart had been longing to feel. Because sometimes, the person we attach to in limerence becomes a symbol. Not intentionally. Not consciously. But emotionally. They may represent a feeling of safety, a special king of love you have been longing to feel and a sense of validation from someone else to give to you. So when the connection feels overwhelming… consuming… almost impossible to let go of… It’s not just about the relationship. It’s about the experience your heart is trying to create. And when my clients begin to see this, something shifts. Not right away but gently. Their awareness does not bring shame, but it brings compassion.
Shame
One of the biggest fears I hear is this:
“If I step back… does that mean it wasn’t real?”
“Did I make it all up?”
“Why do I feel so attached if it wasn’t healthy?”
And I always answer the same way. What you were feeling is real but the foundation may not have been. There is no need to feel guilty for wanting a relationship connection. There is no need to feel ashamed for opening yourself up to feel deeply. The goal is not to criticize yourself or your heart but more importantly to it’s to understand it.
Taking the steps to move forward doesn’t mean shutting yourself down but learning to how to care for yourself differently. I share how to allow yourself to gently allow yourself to grieve the emotional experience but not just the relationship. Reconnect with your own sense of identity outside of the attachment, go out to dinner with friends you have not talked to in a while, and attend a DIY class. In your day, take the time to practice self-compassion instead of self-criticism.
I often tell my clients: You’re not “too much.” You just haven’t always been met in the way you needed. And healing begins when you start meeting yourself there first.
Making the shift toward a healthy love relationship. This is usually the moment where clarity begins to take shape. Because once you’ve experienced limerence, it can be hard to trust what love is supposed to feel like. Many people assume love should feel intense, consuming, even a little chaotic. That’s the excitement. But healthy love… feels different.
I remember Sarah pausing one day and saying, “But if it’s calm… how do I know it’s real?” And I smiled, because that question comes up often.
Because limerence gives you the feeling of:
- Urgency—like you might lose them at any moment
- Obsession—where they occupy your thoughts constantly
- Emotional highs and lows that keep you hooked
- Fear—of saying the wrong thing or pushing them away
- Idealization—seeing who you hope they are, not always who they show themselves to be
But what does healthy love feel like?
Healthy love is steady and feels like:
- Consistency—you know where you stand
- Emotional safety—you don’t have to question your worth
- Mutual effort—you’re not the only one trying
- Clear communication—no guessing, no decoding
- Space—you can be fully yourself without fear of losing them
Healthy love may not give you constant butterflies but it will give you something far more sustaining: PEACE. Peace can feel unfamiliar, especially if you are used to the emotional drama-filled intensity type of a relationship.
But peace is not boredom.
Peace is not lack of connection.
Peace is stability.
Peace is security.
Peace is where real love grows.
Because relationships that last are not built on emotional spikes. They are built on roots.
Time for Reflection
If you find yourself reflecting on your own experiences with this, I want you to pause for a moment. Do not judge yourself or analyze every single relationship choice you’ve made. But to simply understand. You were reaching out to make a connection. Trying to feel something real. You were responding to something meaningful inside of you, and that deserves compassion—not criticism.
Moving forward doesn’t mean NOT to put yourself out there again. It means for you to begin loving from a place that is rooted… not reactive. Because when you understand your emotional patterns, you don’t lose your ability to love. You strengthen it, you develop roots.
“If people fall in love with your flowers and not your roots, they don’t know what to do when autumn comes.”